Infertility and Intimacy
Infertility is one of the greatest challenges a couple can face together. It’s emotionally, physically, and often financially taxing, with no clear ending in sight. It’s little wonder that many people, especially women, report experiencing sexual apathy while dealing with infertility. One study indicated that while over half of women surveyed still experienced attraction to their partners despite an infertility diagnosis, nearly one-third felt differently.
Even if you’re still having sex while trying to conceive—with treatments like IVF and IUI taking conception out of the bedroom and into the lab—it may begin to feel like a chore. Sex doesn’t automatically equal true intimacy, and when sexual interactions have an “end goal” like conception in mind, it’s easy for them to become mechanical.
While infertility is always challenging and can come with a lot of questions, there are ways that you can address infertility affecting intimacy issues. Remember: Your partner is on this journey with you. Giving your intimate relationship the attention it needs is also crucial for your mental health. Fortunately, the right techniques can help make this one aspect of your relationship easier and more comforting, even when you’re facing infertility.
Is sexual dysfunction during infertility treatments normal?
Regardless of your gender, it’s very normal to experience performance anxiety and arousal issues with or without your partner during fertility treatments. These problems could be medical in nature, the result of medications or procedures involved. Or they could be more mental and emotional in nature—or both.
When you’re so focused on a physical task like conceiving—and when you feel like your body is “betraying” you, as many patients indicate—it’s not unusual for sex to become physically, as well as emotionally difficult. In turn, that disappointment may feed into a sense of failure. It’s a vicious cycle, and when you’re already feeling down on yourself, the negative impact may intensify.
Why should I consider sex therapy during my infertility journey?
Often, fertility specialists advise or even require patients to attend counseling sessions during treatment. In recent years, it’s become more common for these same specialists to recommend, specifically, sex therapy for their patients. While you may feel like it’s normal to expect and discuss general frustration and sadness during this time, it could be harder to talk about sex—especially since, for many couples, sex is so closely associated with fertility.
Many heterosexual couples in particular begin fertility treatment after an extended period of attempting to conceive naturally. In that case, you may already have a different perspective on your sex life from the start. Even if that isn’t your situation, the high stress levels that come with infertility can impact your intimate life just like any other stressor.
How can my partner and I approach infertility and intimacy differently?
When working with a sex therapist, you’ll receive guidance tailor-made for you and your partner. This approach will not only help you communicate more effectively with your partner, but explore different approaches to intimacy.
For some couples, this could look like:
Talking openly about the changes that may show up in your sex life during treatment—like feeling pressure to perform, wanting sex at different times, or dealing with things like vaginal dryness—can help both partners feel more seen, safe, and supported. It can also ease some of the tension and help you navigate these challenges together, with more care and understanding.
Redefining intimacy by shifting the focus from performance and timing back to pleasure, connection, and emotional closeness.
Piggybacking off that, you may want to explore intimacy and romance differently. Rather than having sex, you and your partner may enjoy simply touching, or cuddling, or giving one another massages. If this does lead to an enjoyable sexual experience, great! There isn’t a wrong way to do this.
Exploring foreplay further—penetrative sex isn’t the only way to have sex, after all. When conception is completely off the table, you might feel more spontaneous, with the sex centered more on your relationship than an “endgame”.
Part of this intimacy shift could also lie in how you and your partner view yourselves. Fertility treatments can feel very disempowering. It’s not uncommon for both men and women to feel as if they’re failing their “biological purposes”. Speaking to both a therapist and your partner about concerns like these can be very freeing. Your therapist can also help you as you try to reframe your perspective.
Changing your approach to infertility and intimacy with your partner extends beyond the bedroom, too. It’s always important to normalize infertility and disclose what you wish. However, you and your partner might consider keeping certain aspects of treatment between the two of you. It’s not about keeping secrets or being ashamed—it’s about taking comfort in your relationship. While infertility is a challenge that no one wants to face, by leaning on each other, you and your partner can build an even stronger bond.
Remember: You’re Not Alone
Say you do want to expand your support system. It’s sometimes helpful to seek resources and advice from people who know exactly where you’re coming from. You and your partner can do this together and individually, finding safe spaces in welcoming communities.
One great option is RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. RESOLVE offers not only a sense of kinship for people facing infertility, but advocacy and learning materials. The organization features events like Advocacy Day and created National Infertility Awareness Week. On a more down to earth level, you’ll also access RESOLVE support groups. They meet both online and in person, supporting both partners and solo individuals.
Discussing your infertility issues with people outside of your partnership can take some of the pressure off you and your partner. To recap: It’s not about keeping secrets. It’s about managing how you discuss your infertility, ensuring that you and your partner feel as safe and supported as possible.
Moving Forward
Infertility is tough, and it doesn’t come with easy solutions. However, your intimate relationship can survive this, and even grow. That’s why we recommend being proactive and seeking help for not only your physical health, but your mental health and relationship. No matter what happens, when it comes to your intimate life, help is here.
Ndubuisi, V.A., Ezugwu, E.C., Chigu, C.O., Ekuwazi, K.E., & Onwuka, C.I. (2021). The Impact of Infertility on the Sexual Life of Infertile Women in Enugu, South East Nigeria. Nigerian Journal of Clinical Practice, 24(8), 1144-1149. https://journals.lww.com/njcp/fulltext/2021/24080/the_impact_of_infertility_on_the_sexual_life_of.6.aspx#:~:text=Infertility%20tends%20to%20negatively%20affect,they%20will%20report%20sexual%20dysfunction.
Read, Jane. (1999.) Sexual problems associated with infertility, pregnancy, and ageing. BMJ, 318(7183), 587-589. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1115031/
Starc, A. Trampus, M. Jukic, D.P., Rotim, C., Jukic, T., & Mivsek, A.P. (2019). Infertility and Sexual Dysfunctions: A Systemic Literature Review. Acta Clinica Croatia, 58(3), 508-515. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6971809/
