What is Premarital Counseling: is it right for us?
You’re planning your wedding. You have a checklist of the typical questions: DJ or live band? Buffet or plated meal? Who do you really want to invite?
Here’s a question that may not come up quite as readily: what is premarital counseling - and do you and your spouse-to-be want it?
Premarital counseling was once somewhat rare, and perhaps even a little taboo. Why would you and your partner need counseling ahead of marriage? Doesn’t counseling mean there’s something wrong? And what does it actually involve?
Though choosing to attend premarital counseling is entirely up to you, it’s important to make that choice fully informed. And yes, there are a lot of misconceptions surrounding the topic. Let’s demystify them so that you can walk into premarital counseling—if you wish—with your eyes wide open.
What is premarital counseling?
What even is premarital counseling, you might ask? In its simplest definition, exactly what it sounds like—counseling you and your partner undergo together before you tie the knot. Some couples even choose to have it before they get engaged! What it isn’t, however, is a symptom of something “wrong” with your relationship. The two of you want to get married for a reason. Although some couples do seek out premarital counseling to address issues of concern, for others it’s simply a way to prepare.
Marriage is a big undertaking. Although it may simply be the next step for you and your partner on an emotional level, it inevitably brings some degree of change. After all, you’re legally merging your households. This, among other things, can bring up certain stressors.
No matter how strong your relationship, getting married can come with situations you didn’t see coming. And truthfully? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get ahead of that. Additionally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging that you and your partner have some pain points your relationship before taking the plunge. It’s not about a lack of love. In fact, undergoing premarital counseling can be seen as a way of showing your love, and ensuring that your marriage lasts until death do you part.
What does premarital counseling look like?
As with any couples counseling sessions, your therapist will shape your premarital counseling around your relationship and specific needs. This isn’t about checking boxes or telling you what a good marriage looks like. It’s about providing the two of you a safe space to ask the big questions, discuss your feelings, and tune up your communication skills. Some bigger concerns may come to the surface, and your therapist can guide you through them, helping you come up with potential solutions or simply convey your feelings in the healthiest way possible.
Your therapist will conduct an assessment at the beginning of your sessions, getting an idea of where you and your partner are, and where your biggest needs may lie. An assessment helps your therapist identify which problem-solving skills you and your partner may need to focus on, and may uncover parts of the relationship that could need some work. The goal is to strengthen your bond and increase emotional—and in some cases physical—intimacy.
Your therapist will likely engage the two of you in talk therapy, and may offer exercises that allow you and your partner to develop skills that will help you handle the types of hurdles that often come up in marriage. Think merging your finances, discussing the topic of children, and supporting each other through the types of conflicts common amongst married couples.
Another thing that’s great to address in premarital counseling? Your sex life. If you have any concerns about physical intimacy before marriage—whether or not you two are currently sexually active—premarital counseling is a great time to talk about it. Your sex life will likely go through cycles during marriage. The goal is staying together for life, right? That’s a long time! Hormonal changes, expanding your family, and, well, life, can change the way you interact in the bedroom. Your therapist can help the two of you discuss these topics and handle them in the best possible way in the future.
Because remember—the skills you and your partner learn in premarital counseling are meant to be used for the long term.
Does premarital counseling work?
Every relationship is different, and undergoing premarital counseling doesn’t prevent the two of you from having problems. However, research does suggest that premarital counseling not only results in a higher likelihood for overall satisfaction in your marriage—it also makes it easier for you and your partner to seek therapy if future conflicts arise. Normalizing couples’ counseling before marriage can be hugely beneficial.
Let’s go back to those higher level of marital satisfaction. In 2003, a groundbreaking study of premarital counseling participants revealed that the typical participant usually experienced a 30% increase in marital satisfaction!
What is Premarital Counseling? - in conclusion:
You and your partner deserve to have the best possible start as you begin your marriage. While your relationship may be on solid ground as well, it’s inevitable that at some point you’ll be faced with challenges. Premarital counseling offers you the ability to confront any worries in a setting that offers guidance and safety. Rather than arguing, you’re talking it out, with a therapist there to help you along the way. Additionally, you can bring those new skills into the marriage and use them as your relationship progresses.
If you are considering premarital counseling, you’re not alone. With each year, premarital counseling becomes more and more common. It’s not about having a problem, or questioning the relationship. It’s about dedicating the time, effort, and love into ensuring that you enter into marriage with the strongest foundation possible.
Carroll, J.S., Doherty, W. (2003). Evaluating the Effectiveness of Premarital Prevention
Programs: A Meta-Analytic Review of Outcome Research. Family Relations: An Interdisciplinary
Journal of Applied Family Studies 52(2) 105-118.
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00105.x
Kepler, Amanda. (2015). Marital Satisfaction: The Impact of Premarital and Couples Counseling
[MSW Clinical Research Paper, St. Catherine University]. SOPHIA St. Catherine University.
https://sophia.stkate.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgireferer=&httpsredir=1&article=1472&context=msw_papers
Williamson, H.C., Hammett, J.F., Ross, J.M., Karney, B.R., & Bradbury, T.M. (2018). Premarital
Education and Later Relationship Help-seeking. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(2), 276-281.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5907919/
